The Worst Amiga Games Thread!

[Tim Janssen]

I have seen many lists of personal Amiga-favourites here at EAB. But what about crap Amiga games? The games with horrible graphics, sounds or zero playability? There are a few dubious games in my original Amiga collection which do not deserve the disc they are on:

Manhattan Dealers by Silmarils, 1988: French flick-screen beat'em up with ear-wrinching music and simple graphics. It looks almost like a C64 game;
Dragon's Lair 3: Time Warp by Readysoft, 1992: A 8-disc animation with great graphics but lack of playability;
Soldier of Light by RAD, 1988: An ancient arcadeconversion which is very difficult to play. Maybe it was a great game 13 years ago.

Any other crap games?

[CodyJarrett]

How much time do you have?

Well, for a start:

4th & Inches, Akira, 'Allo 'Allo, Ants, Arena (Psygnosis), Batman Returns, Borobodur, Brataccas, Crazy Cars, Crazy Cars 2, Crime Does Not Pay, Dennis, Double Dragon, Dracula, Dragon's Lair 1-3, Fusion, Gazza 2, Gazza's Super Soccer, Geisha, The Godfather, Home Alone, Huckleberry Hound, Human Killing Machine, International Rugby Challenge, Judge Dredd, Last Action Hero, Leisure Suit Larry 1-3&5, Manhunter: New York & San Francisco, Microcosm, Mike Read's Computer Pop Quiz, Moonshine Racers, Moonwalker, Ninja Rabbits, Paperboy 1&2, Pit-Fighter, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Prime Mover, Rainbow Warrior, Rambo 3, Red Heat, Robocop 1&2, Run The Gauntlet, Saint And Greavsie, Seconds Out, Skull And Crossbones, Space Ace 1&2, Street Fighter 1, STUN Runner, Super Cauldron, Super Huey, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Tetris (Spectrum Holobyte), Thai Boxing, Total Carnage, Valhalla 1-3, Whizz, WWF Wrestlemania, WWF European Rampage etc.

What would you say is THE worst criminal in Amiga Computing?

Prehaps something Cody missed off his list:

RISE OF THE ROBOTS.

How excited did everyone get about this game? That is until they released a playable demo and everyone said "Wow, that is so Shit, how did you manage to make such a promising game, so crap"

[RCK]

I'm not agree with Cody for Rambo 3, which I think is a good game, (looks like "the great escape").

The gfx and gameplay are not excellent of course, but the levels are great

[Amiga1992]

Cody, you missed a few:

Carlos by Loriciel
The Cartoons, by Loriciel too, emthinks
and teh dreaded DANGEROUS STREETS! ARGH!

Akira was such a travesty, I feel offended by that game What shocked me the most, was ICE's hypocracy with it. In the WIP I read, they were bragging about how their graphician never did anything on a computer before, and how good this was. *iirk* wrong, ICE, and you can see teh results for yourself. Thr most stupid thing they said, is that they needed approval of everything they did, because Akira was such a big license and all that. MY ARSE, I doubt anyone approved such a piece of turd.

STUN Runner was bad in all ports And, hey, I happened to like Prime Mover a bit. IS not like the Amiga got many good racers of that type. Road Rash is a completely different game, and No Second Prize ws 3D

Jeez let the horrors of the Amiga out of the box...

Paperboy (terrible disk loading)
Chase HQ (promised much, delivered bugger all)
Paradroid 90 (top 64 game to over graphical Amiga mess)
Any Ocean film tie ins
Rise of the Robots (don't believe the hype)
Titus the Fox (the most irritating loaded devised)
Continental Circus (great original, shite conversion)

Thats just a few of the ones I can be arsed to remember. Sure I'll think of more.

[Amiga1992]

I remembered another one: Cisco Heat. Oh my god, disgusting!

[Twistin'Ghost]

And while I could wax poetic for ages on bad Amiga games, I will do the possible, and list but one piece of chunder that defies belief that any game could suck so bad. Many of you have probably never played it, but here goes:

Night Walk (1988/Alternative)

This heap of shit was an Atari ST port with hints of "Ghouls 'N' Ghosts". So how bad could a rip of GnG be, anyway? It's a dreary mess, utter cack. The graphics have that washed out, dull-color look like you see in "Hammerboy", sprite control is so slow that there is no possible way to escape the living dead, and well... I guess this is not a review, but I urge anyone who loves bad games to try this stinker on for size. Never was a game so deserving of Amiga Power's "Oh Dear" treatment!

But it's so rare, I bought an original recently, despite the fact that the game is an appalling chunk of... (SNIP! - Ed)

[CodyJarrett]

Khephren - I'm really at a loss for words about how you can include Graftgold's Paradroid 90 in a list of bad games along with Rise Of The Robots. Paradroid 90 is superb!

Sorry Cody, Perhaps it should be under disappoints instead of shite games.

But I was fanatical of Paradroid on the 64, it was just he dogs bollocks as far as I was concerned. Then came the conversion to the Amiga.

As far as I am concerned, it is typical of the mentality of conversions. "Oooo all those colours. What can we do to 'enhance' it?" It was dull as play and awkward to control at times.

Ok it looked pretty but that hardly makes it any good.

I was going to add Pinball Illusions to the list as well, since that was also disappointed and had the same "Let's fill it with 256 colours to wow them" mentality, yet it sucked when compared to Pinball Fantasies.

[Warlock99]

I think in my eyes the worst game I ever seen on the amiga was dick tracy (titus version) it made cliffhanger look like a masterpiece. Dick tracy must have been one of the lowest scoring amiga games of all time when it was reviewed in the english mags. I think the average was something like 8% across the whole of the mags.

Here are the main reasons:-

Animation - absolutely terrible, your character jerks along like he's got a wooden leg.

Graphics - on par with a c64 games. Thing of the worst amiga games around (i.e. cliffhanger) and you get some idea.

Music - Starts off OK and then becomes extremely annoying, see how fast you start reaching for the volume!

Sound - nothing special to say the least.

Playability - If you play past more than two of the flick screens, then you must be doing it for a bet!

Worth getting hold of just so you can have a good laugh at it.

[MethodGit]

CodyJarrett: Your first post: Wasn't that basically all the games that Amiga Power gave low scores to? Have you actually played any of those games yourself? If so, please list them with additional comments if you can.

Well, I've got a list of really crap games right here:

Warzone (Core), 1991 - No options to twiddle about with, too ridiculously hard, basically looked, felt and played like a PD game!

Akira (ICE), 1994/95 - I haven't played this game enough to give out a proper verdict, but Jonathan Davies (who reviewed the game in Amiga Power issue 48) was certainly right about the fact that hardly anyone would be able to complete the motorbike levels, like EVER, because I tried them myself! Holy cow, how can your bike explode from touching cops and waving bystanders??!! And don't even get me started on the barricades which are difficult to destroy because your grenades only explode a fixed distance away, so you have to unleash them all at once just to see if you can clear the path successfully. However, I havne't played the other levels yet (I'll use the level codes) so I'll get back to you on that game soon.

Kick Off 96 (Anco), 1996 - Amiga Power gave this their lowest score ever (to my knowledge, at least). Tried this game once some time ago (ADFs, of course, I didn't buy the real game!!! As if I ever would!! Pah!), never touched it again after that! Boring presentation, crap in-game graphics, dull gameplay, what more can I say?

The Untouchables (Ocean), 1989/90 - Dear lord, how unfunnily dull was this piece of electronic shite? Dark almost-hard-to-see-graphics, almost-impossible-to-complete first level (I didn't play this game for very long), the same droning tune over and over again, repetitive gameplay, ugh! I can't really say anymore than that!

Dragon's Lair (ReadySoft), 1988 - I know about the series and all, but I've only just played the first game today (I haven't played any of the sequels as of yet), and boy, all those people who slated it highly were right to do so!!! :haha
1. Insanely difficult levels that actually require you to have read the complete solution in a magazine or on the net beforehand to even understand what the hell you're meant to be doing exactly.
2. Good but quite mediocre animation compared to the Laserdisc original. Some things seem to happen way too quickly for you to understand though (What exactly does the potion on the second level meant to do to you? Why does Singe the Dragon just disappear almost before the magic sword even touches him at the end?)
3. The fact that on every level you have to time your joystick functions at EXACTLY the right moment to get past an obstacle (but sometimes you'll die even when you do press it at exactly the right moment! The solution? Be forced to go through the same sequences over and over until you do finally get past).
4. The constant disk-swapping that occurs, that is if you only have one or two disk drives on your real/emulated Amiga.
5. The realisation near the end that you've been cheated out of your time (and money, if you paid for the game) by the fact that there really aren't a lot of levels in the game at all! Some of the "levels" are basically the same ones as before but in reverse.
Oh well, I guess ReadySoft really wanted to port the game to as many platforms as possible! Wasn't there a C64 version though? Dear god, I wonder what THAT was like then?

Bart vs The Space Mutants (Ocean/Acclaim), 1991 - Great intro, but the game itself had shown me the following:
Disastrous presentation (A picture of the Simpsons watching TV, followed by a close-up TV screen that lacks a high-score table. Like, wow, the developers really spent a lot of time on the presentations for this game, I don't bloody think.)
Irritating music (just that one tune the whole FRICKIN' time!)
Bizarre illogical puzzles (Everyone remember the first cement pit on Level 2? Wondered what those spinning lollipops were meant to do exactly, and why you just fell thorugh them if you tried to jump on them? Well, imagine the look on your face when you read a tip in a guide that says you should jump on the second moving platform three times to get across the pit! How the twatting hell was you supposed to know that in the first place? They could've at least put in a small graphical clue somewhere!!!)
Equally irritating "Eat my shorts" quote that you'd constantly hear because of the enemies and the clinically insane obstacles on the fourth level that would kill you about 30 times or more (Even with the infinite lives cheat that I often used, I have NEVER been able to complete Level 4!)
Complete pushover bosses (they honeslty didn't take very long to complete, or design their features and IQ to be exact. I've never been able to reach the fourth boss, though. Maybe that's because of the INSANE Stone temple section, hmm?!?!)
The varied graphics (some were good, but most of them were just pure unadulterated shit, sorry. I mean the character sprites look nothing like their TV counterparts!)
Terrible, badly-written and badly-punctuated dialogue (check out the dialogue from the aliens in between the levels, for example, but also some of the dialogue during the game)
HUGELY dissapointing ending (I got to the fifth and final level using the level-skip cheat, and after completing it, what did I get? Some more dialogue from those aliens and a still-picture of a close-up ranking badge featuring Bart Simpson's face and shades on, and then several seconds afterwards, I was back at the title screen again!!! What, no high score table? No credits? No hugely-animated sequences like with the intro, but slightly more impressive? Fuck me, I've been robbed!!! )
Honestly, it's as if Ocean and Acclaim had all their designer teams concentrate more on the intro than the actual game!!! I hadn't thought this about the game when I first played it back in 1991 (the first ever game I played on my (then) brand-new Amiga 500!!! ), in fact I first thought it was a great game, but having played it recently with the additional use of the level-skip cheat, my opinions on it started to change for all the wrong reasons! This game would only be made a lot more harder if I hadn't used the infinite lives COWABUNGA cheat!!! :kill

Bart vs The World (Virgin/Acclaim), 1992/93 - Haven't played all of the levels to give this a proper review, but the fact that I simply cannot get past the first Ice level (after you complete China) would pretty much give the reason why I haven't tried playing it more! Has anyone managed to get past it? As for the part of the game I have played, well.... the graphics look like something out of a PD game, frankly. And there's not a multitude of sound effects and music, either. The gameplay's average, but the looks and sound of it are just UGH, UGH, UGH, RUBBISH, GET OFF, GET IT AWAY FROM ME etc. Sorry, I'm a very crap reviewer, I wish I was like you lot when it comes to reviewing anything in life...

Batman Returns (Konami/Gametek/Dentons), 1993/94 - Words seriously cannot express just how utterly retarded the presentation in this game truly is. No options, no high-score table, hell, not even a BLOODY GAME OVER SCREEN to shove into my face!!!! The first level is near-impossible to get past, the enemies just harm you from all directons at once, so what was the whole point in this game? The C64 version was in the making but got canned. Imagine what THAT version might have been like...

Batman The Movie (Ocean), 1989 - Not really a crap game, it's just that the first level is friggin' insane, it's like a maze, so I havne't been playing it a lot really!

Robocop (Ocean), 1987 - Level 1: impossible to get past the ED-209 at the end. That's it. I don't know how to avoid the friggin' robot's attacks. Burn this game for all the innocent souls out there, including us!!! (I don't mean burn us along with the game (No, please don't!!! We're sorry!!!) , I meant include us as some of those innocent souls!)

Robocop 3 (Ocean), 1991/92 - Not actually a crap game, it's just that, like the first Robocop, the first level is pretty much impossible to complete. I mean, how exactly do you stop the van on the driving level? I try to ram it from behind but a gunner starts shooting at me and my car dies before the van gets to!!!

Total Carnage (ICE), 1994 - Just playing a demo of this was enough to make me realise how shoddily programmed this truly was. Your character always walked like a camp pimp with broken dangly legs, the enemies came at you from all directions and would consume a lot of ammo before dying (and even when they were going through their blood-splash death animations, they were still deadly to the touch), it was all fucking BROWN everywhere, no impressive explosions or general effects, no MUSIC, not a lot of different sound effects, the first level takes too long to complete thanks to the ludicrous amounts of enemies in it. I haven't played the arcade original yet, though. It should be playable in MAME by now, so I guess I'll give it a try... :float

Smash TV (Ocean/Acclaim/Midway), 1991/92 - Maybe it's because I've played the arcade original and the SNES version too much, but I thought the Amiga version was just a complete catastrophe!!! I'd understand the way the C64 version was programmed because of the computer's limitations, but the Amiga version? Come on, I thought the design team could've done way better than this!!! Shoddy 15-frames per second animation, no decent "WOW!" graphics whatsoever, not even the scroll-across-arenas bit gets in (you just get the Smash TV logo for a short while and go straight to the next arena).

[MethodGit]

I actually remember once that Amiga Format (in its later days) gave the long-awaited Amiga conversion of Championship Manager 2 a lowly 12%. I think one of the reason was because of its "SLUGGISHLY DEATHLY-SLOW ALMOST HALF-AN-HOUR loading times that appeared constantly". Not that I played the game myself, I'm just quoting (roughly) from the original review. I don't know whether this has been converted to ADF as of yet, unless anyone can prove me wrong?

By the way, if you want to read almost every review a certain Stuart Campbell has ever done for any magazine, check out the following joint:

http://come.to/worldofstuart

[Warlock99]

Some of those games you mentioned were actually OK in my eyes anyway!

Warzone - Yes, it's difficult but if you work at it, it's quite a decent shoot-em-up. PD I don't think so! It had better graphics and playability than quite a few similar commercial games like the awful mercs (another awful crapcom game, too many of these to mention!). I must admit though it's one of those perverse games that you play mainly because you can't let it beat you, but it get's to be quite rewarding after a while.

Robocop - Robocop actually piss easy, I completed it over a week if I remember right. That first bit is a bit tricky but there's not that many things that you could do is there? (Try jumping in the air a few times while firing). I've played worse but it's not that great really I suppose, but it's certainly not difficult. Converted from an Atari ST games, I suppose that must explain a lot! It was a great film anyway!

Smash TV - Yes, it is unbelievably difficult and there's no doubting the game is lacking a certain something, but I still think it's quite playable. Another perverse game methinks.

[CodyJarrett]

I used the Amiga Power's low scores to remind me of the games that are shit...

Robocop 3 - you stop the truck by ramming the back, when the doors open and you start getting shot you have to move to the side and start ramming it from the side. It takes a while and is a bit tough but with practice it can be fairly simple. I thought Robocop 3 was alright.

Batman the Movie - yep you're right its not a crap game and the levels are a bit big but again with some practice you can get through them. Even easier if you activate the cheat, but it is possible without the cheat. The driving levels were great fun, even the 3rd level was good.

BUT OF COURSE SOME ARE JUSTIFIED, like

Dangerous Streets - This was the worst beat'em up since Street Fighter 1. I don't know how they had the audasity to release the game, it was appauling. I also don't know how comodore had the balls to make a CD32 pack which contained that game. Imagine some non-amiga person had plumped for the CD32 cos it was the worlds first 32-bit console they open the box and play Dangerous Streets....... the CD32 goes back in the box. I must admit I did buy the game............ wait ................ only because it came on the same CD as Wing Commander which I love(d)

[Tim Janssen]

I have noticed that I have some of the crap games mentioned here in my Amiga collection. Here are my comments:

Titus the Fox: Great little platformer. There is nothing wrong with it except that it takes ages to load. But hey, this is the same with games like Last Ninja 3 and Wizkid.

Dennis the Menace: I like Dennis! The graphics are sparse, only two frames of animation, but a certain lastability. I even play it now and then.

Bart vs the World: I actually quite like this little game. I even have finished it but did not get to see the end-sequence because I collected too few Krusty-the-Clown goodies. The game is a NES port. This results in boring graphics. If the Amiga palette were used more intensively, it would be an okay game.

Carlos: Uhm, this game is just downright boring but playable. I think it is from the team who also gave us Nicky Boum 1 & 2.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day: The main reason why I still have this game in my collection is the title music. It is sooo atmospheric. The game itself is playable but the Ocean-formula of different genres (driving, beating and puzzling) is not used very well.

Super Cauldron: I agree, this game is crap but my little nephew always liked it. The most annoying thing is that the witch you control only can throw little stones by holding and releasing your fire-button. A simple enemy takes 20(!) hits before it is destroyed. This game gets my vote for most annoying game –EVER.

Smash TV: I have destroyed the disc the game came on. That says it all, does it?

[Amiga1992]

Hey I didnt knwo about that character limit. Really it's annoying! We cannot get onto long rants as teh rined MarzAttakz tried!

Anyway, about Akira. I DID pass teh motorbike levels, I suppose AP reviewers were:

1) crap at games, or don't have enough patience.
2) overwhelmed by the game crappiness, and decided not to play anymore, to avoid brain damage.

I tend to choose the second, or a bit of the first, about not having patioence or perseverance. I played that fucker MANY times to get past it, and I eventually managed to pass the motorbike levels. From my personal experience, I can definitely say that the game SUCKS ARSE, majorly.

Tim, Carlos is HORRIBLE. Where did you see a Pavarotti-like guy, dressed up in red-and-yellow flowered pajamas, transforming into A BULL? WTF! HAha, if I am to give any good points to that game, it's because I laughed my ass off with it, while looking at its pathetic graphics, hearing its lame sound efefcts, and suffering its appaling control methods. Don't tell me yuo own an ORIGINAL!

By teh way I think Nicky Boum, and specially its sequel, are overrated games. I didn't like them one bit.

[Tim Janssen]

Akira,
I have some 'nostalgic' memories of Carlos. Not because it was any good, but it was the very last Amiga game I copied at the last Venlo Amiga Copy party ever. The game is crap, but I keep it on disc because of these nostalgic feelings.
I haven't played the game since I have installed my original Amiga a couple of months ago. Your description of the game (including the cumbersome transformation into a bull) reminds me of other 'faults' in the game like the flickering sprites and terrible drawn intermission screens. This game definitely has some cult value.

I have both Nicky Boum 1 & 2 in my collection because they take up only one disc each and feature some nice tunes. I have never managed to finish a level in both games because you soon get bored by wandering in the same area collecting things.

MarzAttakz,
About Dragon's Lair on the C64: Back in 1987 Dragonslair 1 & 2 already appeared on this 8-bit machine. The games were nothing like their later incarnations. The action took (mostly) place on a static screen and Dragon's Lair 2 was actually quite playable.

[Amiga1992]

Dragon's Lair, the original and 16 bit ports, it's a JOKE. there's no game in it. press left. now press right.... now fire... BLAH, I rather go play with my TV's remote control.

Anyway, about Carlos, it seems you don't own it, so that's cool. It would be awful if you paid for it.

My collection consists of about 13 games. The copied disks are just that, copied garbage. I play them but they mean nothing to the real collection They have no value whatsoever. Nothing's better than their boxes and manuals!