English Amiga Board


Go Back   English Amiga Board > Off Topic > OT - General

 
 
Thread Tools
Old 16 September 2019, 15:23   #1
PussEKatt
Registered User

PussEKatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Perth West Australia
Posts: 16
Jokes

How about a jokes thread!?
I will start cautiously. A dumb blond is driving down the freeway when she sees a sign saying "clean restrooms next 5 miles"
By the time she had driven 5 miles she had cleaned 120 restrooms.
PussEKatt is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 18:57   #2
Ian
Global Moderator

Ian's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Derby, UK
Age: 41
Posts: 2,187
Ok, but be warned jokes that are about something that "ism" or "phobia" can be added to will lead to a 2 week vacation from the forum.
Ian is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 20:06   #3
Anubis
Maj. Voodoo

Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Raking Woods...
Age: 47
Posts: 2,849
Are jokes about moderators permitted?
Anubis is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 20:09   #4
Ian
Global Moderator

Ian's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Derby, UK
Age: 41
Posts: 2,187
Yeah, eg how many moderators to ban Anubis.

3, 2 to laugh and 1 to click the button
Ian is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 20:13   #5
Anubis
Maj. Voodoo

Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Raking Woods...
Age: 47
Posts: 2,849
How do you call moderator with half brain?

Gifted.

Last edited by Anubis; 16 September 2019 at 20:20.
Anubis is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 21:00   #6
SquawkBox
Speedbump gimme goosebump
SquawkBox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: France
Age: 46
Posts: 80
Send a message via ICQ to SquawkBox
Fictional transcript of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
This radio conversation was rumored to have been released by the Chief of naval operations on 10-10-95, but it never happened.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. i say again, divert your course.”

Canadians: “No, i say again, you divert your course.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That’s one-five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
SquawkBox is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 21:44   #7
jmmijo
Junior Member
jmmijo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PDX
Age: 57
Posts: 2,372
Quote:
Originally Posted by SquawkBox View Post
Fictional transcript of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
This radio conversation was rumored to have been released by the Chief of naval operations on 10-10-95, but it never happened.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. i say again, divert your course.”

Canadians: “No, i say again, you divert your course.”

Americans: “This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That’s one-five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Well obviously, the Canadian Lighthouse will need to alter it's course
jmmijo is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 22:02   #8
Ian
Global Moderator

Ian's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Derby, UK
Age: 41
Posts: 2,187
[ Show youtube player ]
Ian is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 22:20   #9
Anubis
Maj. Voodoo

Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Raking Woods...
Age: 47
Posts: 2,849
Tricky people, those Canadians...



ps. Ship is actually Scottish

Last edited by Anubis; 16 September 2019 at 22:48.
Anubis is offline  
Old 16 September 2019, 23:33   #10
BarryB
Amigaholic

 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 3,061
Brexit! Biggest fucking joke of all!
BarryB is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 00:24   #11
malko
Ex nihilo nihil

malko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: CH
Posts: 2,352
Do you know why jokes about blondes are always short?
So that the brunettes can remember it !
malko is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 00:31   #12
d4rk3lf
Registered User

d4rk3lf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Novi Sad, Serbia
Posts: 531
I saw once graffiti:
Nietzsche: - "God is dead"
"Nietzsche is dead" - God
d4rk3lf is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 00:49   #13
malko
Ex nihilo nihil

malko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: CH
Posts: 2,352
BitD I have heard this joke in a TV program. It was Coluche who recounted this one (with a Canadian accent, please):

It is the Little Red Riding Hood from Canada who walks on the ice floe.
Suddenly, she sees a hole.
And in the hole, she sees a wolf.
So to help the wolf, she takes him by the tail and she pulls... she pulls... she pulls... she pulls...
And when the wolf comes out of the hole, all of a sudden he turns into Prince Charming.
Little Red Riding Hood, she doesn't know what to say...
And the prince, looking at her with a smile, said to her, "You may release me now..."
malko is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 01:15   #14
SquawkBox
Speedbump gimme goosebump
SquawkBox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: France
Age: 46
Posts: 80
Send a message via ICQ to SquawkBox
I have read quite a few novels / short stories from the late C. Bukowski, that was a long time ago. Nevertheless, I remember fondly the one in which he introduces his readers with the twelve winged monkeys (not suitable for children), so whacky ! Actually, longer to narrate than your average Belgian joke, but not by much.
SquawkBox is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 02:02   #15
d4rk3lf
Registered User

d4rk3lf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Novi Sad, Serbia
Posts: 531
This is not a joke, but somewhat, a burnout.
I always liked Blackadder, and one of my favorite sentence he said is:
Baldrick: Good morning Blackadder
Blackadder: Leave me alone Baldrick, if I wanted to speak with vegetables, I would bought it on a market.

Last edited by d4rk3lf; 17 September 2019 at 02:17.
d4rk3lf is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 05:17   #16
jmmijo
Junior Member
jmmijo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PDX
Age: 57
Posts: 2,372
Quote:
Originally Posted by d4rk3lf View Post
This is not a joke, but somewhat, a burnout.
I always liked Blackadder, and one of my favorite sentence he said is:
Baldrick: Good morning Blackadder
Blackadder: Leave me alone Baldrick, if I wanted to speak with vegetables, I would bought it on a market.
But what about Baldrick prized TURNIP
jmmijo is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 15:44   #17
Anubis
Maj. Voodoo

Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Raking Woods...
Age: 47
Posts: 2,849
A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The man says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?" "Well," says the doctor, "I suggest this: on your way home stop about two blocks from home and drop her off. If she makes it home, don't f*$^ her!!
Anubis is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 16:09   #18
SquawkBox
Speedbump gimme goosebump
SquawkBox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: France
Age: 46
Posts: 80
Send a message via ICQ to SquawkBox
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian View Post
jokes that are about something that "ism" can be added to will lead to a 2 week vacation from the forum.
Fair enough, yet I guess that couldn't possibly apply to John & Yoko Lennon so-called Bagism ones, could it (Jan. 1969 interview of both conducted in Vienna,
showcases some vague ideas about peace on earth, philosophical universalist views, and bears some mild language) ?

Last edited by SquawkBox; 17 September 2019 at 17:06.
SquawkBox is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 16:32   #19
Anubis
Maj. Voodoo

Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Raking Woods...
Age: 47
Posts: 2,849
Is moderator-ism a thing?

[ Show youtube player ]
Anubis is offline  
Old 17 September 2019, 22:47   #20
jmmijo
Junior Member
jmmijo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PDX
Age: 57
Posts: 2,372
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anubis View Post
Is moderator-ism a thing?

[ Show youtube player ]
Why yes it is, along with ism-ism too
jmmijo is offline  
 


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Jokes adf found!!! Big-Byte request.Old Rare Games 1 28 October 2001 12:05

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 10:12.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
Page generated in 0.08829 seconds with 15 queries