Originally Posted by bubbob42
Yes, exactly - "rephrase" not "rewrite".
@copse: make some text suggestions please - we'd like to learn.
I'm just a native speaker. It's one thing to know intuitively how well something uses the language, but another to have the skill to identify what is wrong or should be done to fix it.
For this, I think the main problem is that these two sentences rely to some degree on having watched the introduction. Rather than non-native speaker English. The only bit that stood out to me as something I wouldn't do as a native speaker, is use the term "the lord". That to me is something I only hear used in religious terms. Mostly it's Lord Lucan, or after the first reference perhaps Lucan.
"You wrench your hand from the cooling grasp of Montogomery's dead hand, and enter the secret passage. If the holy artefact he rambled about in his death gurglings truly exists, you must find it before his killers!"
"A dead lord, a secret passage, and killers already searching for a holy artefact. What's a man's man going to do, but beat them to it and kick some arse along the way!"
"John Kayle entered the secret passage, leaving the dead lord's body behind him. If the holy artefact Mongomery had talked about truly existed, Kayle was going to find it before the killers."
Someone else can probably do better. The second one would only work of course if all the other text in the introduction and game were written in as corny a fashion.